Saturday January 2, 2009

First off, I know it's damn near 4:00am on the third. Give me a fucking break. I'm on Christmas break so I don't even know what the hell the dates are and I've been drunk.

Here's the horoscope from the 2nd (I still remember enough about yesterday to ridicule it):


"Reality comes knocking today, and if you're fast enough to switch gears, you can make a real difference in your life. If not, it's not that big a deal -- you're used to dealing with different levels of reality."


Reality comes knocking today, eh? How so? How the FUCK did reality come knocking today? I'm not even really in reality, I'm a bloody university student! We're not a part of real life!

The only 'reality' I can think of is that I had to get up before noon to watch a fucking Canucks game. Who the fuck wants to watch hockey at 11:00am? I sure as hell don't! But, it's the fuckin' Nucks, I gotta watch 'em even if I don't feel like it. Fuckshit.

As for making a difference in my life? Oh, and I'm going to go ahead and just completely fucking ignore the bullshit about being 'fast enough to switch gears' because that makes about as much sense as a cracked-out whore telling me she's worried about diseases. I fail to see how another day of being hungover, watching hockey, and drinking can make a difference in my life. Was that the beer that's going to destroy my liver? That's the only god-dammed explanation I can make of this goat-shit horoscope.

FUCK! I missed something... "If not, it's not that big a deal -- you're used to dealing with different levels of reality."

'If not, it's not that big a deal.'

Then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL ME IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

'You're used to dealing with different levels of reality.'

HAHAHHA! Now it all makes sense! All horoscope writers assume that everyone that reads them have been fucked on LSD for most of their life! Cause shit! What else does 'different levels of reality' refer to other than psychedelic drug use?




Whore's blanket.

New Years Day

“Your deep well of positive energy helps keep the day fun for you and entertaining for your people -- make sure that you keep things moving along! Your energy is just right for attracting attention.” - canada.com

I did not know that positive energy stemmed from drinking a quart of whisky and smoking too many cigarettes on New Years Eve. Personally, I call that a fucking hangover. A hangover so severe that I was only able to stop dry-heaving 20 minutes after I managed to hold down a beer (took three attempts).

But sure, I guess counting the shit stains in the bottom of my toilet bowl while trying to figure out if I’m going to heave-ho or not is great fun.

‘Your people’. I haven’t the foggiest clue who the donkey balls ‘my people’ are. I’ll go ahead and assume my dog. I have no idea how neglecting to feed my dog because I can barely move is fun for her. Not to mention that she seems to think that my retching in the bathroom is me yelling at her.

Keep things moving along? Beer in hand, check.

Again with the energy horse-shit! WHAT FUCKING ENERGY? I’m dying of a god-dammed hangover you cock-slapped horoscope!